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DailyContempt.com |
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Run to the Light, Paris Hilton!
Frankly, I’m still trying to grapple with the notion of Olsen Twin pubes. OLSEN TWIN PUBES! ACK! I curse Hugh fricking Heffner for cramming that image into my head. It’ll never scrub out now, dammit. Never. Curse you, Hugh Heffner! CURSE YOU!!! Now his pecker will fall off. I’ve got wicked mojo. ANYhoozitz: ... |
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Patrick Swayze Dying? No Ghost Jokes, Please!
Patrick Swayze's not lookin’ too hot. Hell bells, to tell it true, the boy hasn’t looked too hot since 1984-ish, but how would I know that? I was barely even born yet maybe. But these days he’s looking especially not good. “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” not ... |
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Mick Isn’t Murdered, Plus! Big Bellied Bimbos of the Stars!
We’ve spent way too much energy scrutinizing celebrity paunches lately, don’t you agree? Way too much---glaring and staring at this or that bimbos belly, trying to figure out, clinically speaking, if there’s a baby crammed up in there somewhere. And what the problem is is these damn starletts these days. ... |
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The Olsen Twins + Nudity= Death!
Alright. I’m ready to talk about it know, I think. Pardon me if I break into hysterical sobs and run screaming from the room. Which I will. Thank you. Now, you see a lot of crazy shit when you report on the comings and alleged goings of that bizarre universe that ... |
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His Name Is Prince, And He is Elderly!
Prince, who is very weird, has been very weird a very long time apparently, because he’s old suddenly. So old, in fact, that he fell down, and he couldn’t get fun-kay. So he wheeled his weird and aged ass to geriatric services, and had his poor creaky old hip replaced. ... |
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The Tears of a Goldberg!
When Paris Hilton cries, the angels sing. It is fricking hilarious. When Whoopie Goldberg cries, it is not hilarious. It’s horrible. No angels sing. It’s painful to the soul. The tears of Whoopie cry can scar you for life. And what’s almost as horrible---maybe even more horrible, in some ways---is ... |
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Hello? Is this thing on?
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Prison Junking, Boob Showing, Jake Lovers!
Fascinating things are happening! Pipe down and pay attention! I'm just kidding. You can pipe back up. I love it when you pipe up. Here's the "story": Amy Winehouses' husband just overdosed on the horse, the junk, the magic dragon (as it were) yesterday, and HE DIDN'T DIE SOMEHOW. You heard me. He. Didn't. ... |
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Jane’s Jai-Jai!
Listen! LISTEN! I command you! By the pink freckly nipples of Lindsay Lohan! I COMMAND YOU! This is IMPORTANT! Oh, wait. No. It isn't. It's just Britney fricking Spears…and she's flashing....her...revolting...lunchmeat-like...labia...lips...AGAIN. And of course it was all caught on film, like always, commemorated in celluloid forever for all future generations to enjoy. I am ... |
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The Gary Coleman Wife Bash, PLUS! Infected Scat of the Stars!
Now forgive me, but I swear that I was flipping through the channels yesterday and I saw something about Gary Coleman getting arrested for smacking around his new teen bride, but dammit! I can't find a word about the story anywhere! Weird. Please to note that this doesn't mean the event ... |
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