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The Division Picnic
Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:16:19 +0000 It's that time again. Time for the fall picnic. Unlike the holiday party, I do not get much action at this thing. And here are the reasons why:The picnic is in broad daylight. I'm like a vampire when it comes to fucking around: darkness is my ally; sunlight is my downfall... For some reason, someone always gets hurt at these things, which puts everyone in a somber mood instead of a fucking mood. Did I mention the sunlight? Blair can watch my every move. If not her, then her tits--or any of her other spies. It's at a park instead of a place like a hotel, which conveniently has beds. There's no alcohol. There's no fucking alcohol. What kind of celebration or party doesn't have alcohol? I also tend to have a bad reputation at these picnics. For whatever reason, I tend to be either directly or indirectly responsible for that "someone" getting hurt.Last year I convinced Maharajapuram to climb a tree so that he could jump out onto the bouncy house roof top and collapse it on the goofy adults bouncing inside. I figured the people inside would get injured, not Maharajapuram. Apparently Maharajapuram is not very athletic and he missed the bouncy house completely. One broken ankle, that's all. The year before I had my own contest. I said I'd pay a thousand dollars to anyone who could drink a gallon of milk (which, by the way, is impossible). I had three takers and they all puked. They were ill the rest of the day, as were most of the watchers. The year before there was a water fight. Janis from Hardlines was six months pregnant, but still fully capable of participating in the battle. She and I got into it, and somehow, Gladstone thought it would be a good idea to help out his old pal by grabbing Janis from Hardlines from behind and holding her arms behind her back. This was the exact moment I had raised a bucket of water to dump it on her. At that moment we froze and looked around as everyone stared at us: Gladstone holding a pregnant woman's her arms behind her back and me about to drench her with cold water. I could have been a child molester and gotten more sympathy at that moment. Well, nobody got hurt, but it sure was hard to shake the image of the guy who gangs up on helpless pregnant women. This year, I'm going to take it easy. I'll just stay away from everyone. Nobody gets hurt. Haha. Not possible. I'm curious to know who I'll hurt this year. Well, I guess the division picnic has some redeming qualities after all... |
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Vendor Lunches
Wed, 03 Sep 2008 01:56:22 +0000 Some vendors are better than others. They all buy you expensive lunches. But some pimp out their hot young assistants for sex. Those are the vendors I like the most.McCroskey is exactly that kind. I had lunch with him today and he brought along his new assistant Giselle. He thinks if she puts out, I'll put out some cash and hire some of his contractors. But really, I only hire people I know will make me look good. So if he has those people, I'll hire them. If he doesn't, I won't. Giselle just buys my time so that he can pitch his people to me face-to-face.I met them at La Scala around 11:45. Giselle was really cute and young with perky, very friendly talking tits. At first I thought I was hearing things. But after a moment of hearing them speak, I knew those bouncy melons had a mind of their own.Giselle's Tits: "So, you wanna get some?" Me: "Of course. I always want to get some." Giselle's Tits: "Well, Giselle wants to give some. McCroskey just told her to flirt with you and smile a lot. But we all know exactly where that's going. Don't be fooled by her innocent eyes. Just because she flaunts an angelic disposition, doesn't mean the rest of us are pure. In fact, we're fucking perverts. We're out of control. Pinch us, bite us, slap us around. We want it hard. And guess what? She doesn't even attempt to stop us. Because she knows we do what the fuck we want to do, and there's nothing she can do about it."Me: "Nice. I like Independent tits. The kind of tits that don't hold back. Well, you can count on me to utilize you to the fullest extent. I do not take tits for granted." I wonder why tits are so friendly to me. I mean, I'm certainly friendly to them. Even Blair's tits are friendly to me. Sure they keep an eye on me for Blair, but ultimately, they seem to adore me when ever I'm close. Maybe it's because I never discriminate. I love tits of all colors, shapes and sizes. I treat them all the same. And they show their appreciation in a big way.After lunch, McCroskey handed me his card, which of course had Giselle's number on the back. I'll give it a couple of days, call her up and ask if I can speak to her tits. |
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Hot Blogger Calendar
Wed, 27 Aug 2008 23:05:11 +0000 I was nominated for Hot Blogger Calendar on hotbloggercalendar.com (thank you Winter). According to their site, if you post something about the contest, you will get increased exposure from them, and therefore, possibly more votes. I'm not writing this to get more votes; I'm writing this because I think they should change the title of the calendar from Hot Blogger to Bought Blogger. Those who have the most votes have the most "flare" about the contest on their site. They are even hosting their own contests to buy votes. I, sadly, have 2 votes. But I also have no flare on my site nor do I offer any bribes. But I also believe I should not be on this calendar for two reasons:Nobody knows what I look like. So nobody knows if I'm hot or not. There are no photos of me, so what the fuck are they going to put on the calendar? Don't get me wrong. I understand how it works with blogging. It's all about getting traffic. By hosting this contest, Hot Blogger gets traffic. By putting up flare on your site, Hot Blogger gets traffic and you get votes, and if you get on the calendar, you get more exposure and therefore more traffic. I get it. I'm not complaining about it, I'm just calling it out. But I still have the one complaint about the title of this contest. The "gals" who have the most votes seem to be "mommy bloggers". No offense, I mean, you gals are nice and sweet and informative. But you are not hot. Posts about baby clothes, diets and recipes are not hot. You gals can sit around and tell each other how sexy your posts are, but it don't make it so. So when the final tally comes out and we've got a Hot Blogger calendar full of mommy bloggers who bought their votes, I suggest you rename the calendar to something a little more appropriate. Here's a few more ideas:Mommy Blogger Calendar Not Hot Blogger Calendar Shopping is Fun, Just Read My Latest Post Calendar Being a Mommy is Fun, Just Read My Latest Post Calendar I'm Not Hot, But I'm in this Calendar Anyway Calendar I Bought My Spot in this Calendar Calendar Well, maybe I should host a calendar contest myself and get some actual hot bloggers who live up to the title. Just a thought... |
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Park Sex with Friends and Enemies
Tue, 26 Aug 2008 03:52:00 +0000 The park near the building in which I work is the best park for outdoor sex. It's got a great tree for tree sex, nice picnic tables for table sex, and if you bring a blanket, you can have grass sex in the bushes. It's well lit in certain areas, but also very dark and private in other areas. And it's typically very safe because of its location. Typically... Before taking Maricruz to the park, we had drinks and something to eat. Nothing spicy. Very mild food at a trendy little dive where again lights are dim and small enough that you can keep an inventory of everyone who comes and goes. Before dinner, I asked Maricruz to list all her food allergies and confirmed there were no potential land mines that would hinder our trip to the park. What I didn't know was that the park itself was laden with its own land mines...By the time we made it over to the park, we had a very healthy buzz. We made out for a while, but she said she couldn't do this. You know, since she's married and all. I said okay, then dropped my pants and put my cock in her hand. There was a brief pause, then she said okay, I can do this, and we proceeded to have amazing table sex. Married women are required to resist to demonstrate that they are in no way a slut and that they have never done this before. Afterwards I enjoyed maybe two minutes of basking before Maricruz checked her phone and the afterglow went dim."Shit," she said. "I missed a call from my husband at dinner." "So?" I said with my last tranquil breath."He's really jealous," she calmly said. "If I don't answer, he comes looking for me."I stiffened and sprang to attention quicker than my boner at the holiday party. I don't take jealous husbands lightly. If I don't answer, he comes looking for me. That's just enough information to know this guy is psycho. She assured me it was fine. How could he find her at a park?I grabbed her phone to examine it. "This is an iPhone. I guarantee he can find you. Turn it off," I said and handed it back to her.I quickly put on my clothes and then started dressing her. And then I heard something. Something just over the hill in some bushes.I told Maricruz to wait there while I checked it out. But as I walked up the hill I felt like I was walking the green mile. How was I going to get it? A blade? A bullet? Maybe just a little of the old baseball bat treatment. I was trying to be macho; I know how Latinas gotta have that shit in their man. But then again, we already did it. What the fuck do I care? We're talking death here. I have no shame. Just as I was about to turn and go back with my tail between my legs, I heard a familiar laugh. A quiet, secretive version of that familiar laugh, but still distinct enough to know exactly who was up in those bushes. Gladstone?He poked his head out of the bushes and looked my way. "Jason?"Well, it's really no surprise. My friends and I use this park like a Motel 6. What was a surprise was the person who walked out of the bushes with Gladstone. "Fiona?" I blurted out. "The Cunt?"I had been calling her Fiona the Cunt for so long I guess I thought it was her name. But she obviously did not appreciate the pet name I had given her. She called me a "fag" in the most trailer park tone she could muster, then put her shirt back on. grabbed Gladstone and pulled him aside. "She's only fucking you to get information about me," I whispered."I know," he said. "I'm only fucking her to fuck her. Don't worry. I won't give away any of your secrets."At that moment Maricruz walked up. "What's going on?" she asked.Oh fuck.Gladstone was surprised and very impressed. "Maricruz?""From Int'l Marketing?" Fiona included.That's just great. You try to hide your shit from certain people and they end up having grass sex in the bushes right next to you. "Aren't you married?" Fiona asked."Yes," I confirmed. "And her husband is looking for her right now and he has a gun."I exaggerated, but the timing was just right because right then a bright beam of light hit us from the street which freaked all of us out. We scattered like cockroaches when someone flips the light switch on in a run-down apartment. I probably feared most for my life because I was the husband's actual target. I ran down the hill too fast, lost my footing and rolled the rest of the way. And I really fucked up my ankle in the process. Well, it wasn't the husband. It was the cops. Apparently someone reported lewd conduct in the park. Imagine that. I hobbled back to my car, but had lost Maricruz back on the hill. A little while later she showed up unscathed. She gave me a big sloppy kiss and ran off to hubby. I was hoping Fiona the Cunt got caught, but today I found out she had eluded the police just like the rest of us. How she'll use this information against me, I have yet to see. Sooner or later it will come up, I'm sure. Maricruz enjoyed the night, especially dodging the cops after hot table sex in the park. Now that I know her husband is psychotically jealous, I'll probably start receiving anonymous death threats again in the near future. That'll be nice. I miss those... |
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How to Derail Your Psycho Lover
Sat, 23 Aug 2008 01:35:58 +0000 Blair is spying on me more than usual which means she thinks she knows something that I don't know she thinks she knows. However, whatever she thinks she knows is only hearsay, otherwise she would confront me about it immediately. She is currently in the validation stage which, believe me, is much better than the confirmation stage. Whenever Blair gets to this stage, it's time to create a diversion. Which is why my boss Smithee has been flirting with her through email all day.Blair was pissed off at Smithee for a long time because he stood her up for Sushi and drinks. But it really wasn't his fault that he didn't show up that night. I mean, how can you blame a guy for not existing? My boss Smithee is a Jason X fabricated figment of everyone's imagination. But I have to say, for someone who doesn't exist, people sure do think he's a great guy.Women are wildly attracted to him. I've heard he's been rated a 9.5 (- 5 because he's married). Upper management loves him because he's polished and professional; subordinates love him because he's in touch with the common employee; peers love him because he doesn't step on their toes. And somehow, it's rumored he has a big dick.Smithee spent the morning warming back up to Blair. Getting back into her good graces once you've fallen is not an easy thing to do. But since Smithee knows Blair like I know Blair, he knows all the tricks to entice her back. Now that Smithee has diverted her attention. Blair has paid less attention to me. Because she thinks she knows something about me that I don't know she thinks she knows, she feels justified flirting with Smithee. But because she's flirting with Smithee she also feels guilty and therefore doesn't feel the need to catch me doing something since she's now doing something too. Bottom line is, the diversion is working. Now I can focus on Maricruz, who has been flirting with me all day through email while Smithee has been flirting with Blair all day through email. Well, I'm heading out for drinks with Maricruz now. I'd like to close this deal tonight. I'll let you know how it goes... |
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